guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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