I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
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