Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Randomize
