i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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