so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Drake has all the answers
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
