my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize