I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
