apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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