Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
