I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize