I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
