In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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