I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
