Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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