I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
