while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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