his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
