**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
