I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
