OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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