I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
