whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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