Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
