Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
