he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
