I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
