Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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