Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
