My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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