i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
