oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
It was confusing and full of hummus
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
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