I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize