i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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