i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
