Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Randomize
