guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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