I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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