Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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