we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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