Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
