I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
