Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Everyone says I win the strip club
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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