never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
