I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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