If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
