I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize