I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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