i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
