He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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