sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
