the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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