Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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