i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize