i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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