if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
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