i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
