yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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