after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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