i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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