I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I deserve to be covered in dicks
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
