So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Sacagawea was the original milf.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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