why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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