Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
