Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize