she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
