apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
