3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
