remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
