dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
